It never really occurred to me that chemo was a lifestyle. I had gone with grandpa, only a few times, when he was being treated. But it never crossed my thoughts that chemo was as life-taking as it is. I wish that I had given grandpa more time, especially through his chemo. Chemo sets the schedule for your life. It determines what or how much you eat (or don’t). It takes away and replaces your old friends with nurses and other patients. It has the capability to ruin your insides. It changes your habits. But nowhere in all of that does chemo have the power to crush the Spirit of God living in me.
I honestly started writing with this with major heartache intending to go into a schpeel on grandpa…and selflessness and time. But that was just changed… the Spirit is powerful. Prayer is obviously powerful… I’m learning that no struggle whether it be heart break, cancer, (insert your pain & struggle here), is too much for God. We let ourselves think about this certain thing over and over…we pray about it (if we feel like it)…and keep thinking about it and struggling over it. Where’s the trust in that?Where in my over thinking and my shallow hearted prayers am I actually trusting God?
TRUST, NO BUTS is my new life theme.
It’s easy to think about something…anything. But when was the last time I prayed about it and never gave it a second thought?I’ve been reading a lot of Job, because his life sucks just like mine, and the first response his friend gave him was this, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” (Job 5:8)So, I stole his idea.
Present your case to God,And trust Him with no buts.
God, my prayer tonight is for healing. A healing of cancer would be nice, but more so my heart. I went through my phone to delete my voicemails and the 2 I saved of grandpa’s are still on there. They played. My heart seemed to weigh down again, but God this is my case. And I’m going to continue to come to you with this case as many times as my heart continues to miss my grandpa. With this case, I trust you’ll fill me with joy and the wisdom that grandpa is just as excited to see me one day as I am to see him again.
I also feel like I need to be praying for a strengthening desire of His Spirit in me. You can never have enough! So often, I judge how I’m doing or the person I’m being based on how or who I was yesterday. When realistically, a past me is not a scale to be using for comparison. His Spirit is something spontaneous and new everyday… not continually growing day by day like us, but it’s fresh and constant, bringing a different task or ability to the table every morning.So I won’t be praying for a stronger Maddie, but a needy, clingy type of Maddie…desperate for the fill of the constant Spirit.
Also, I love my grandpa.And…Moffitt in a week ! And.. good luck to all you Lake Aurora counselors this week! :)